Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Chili cook off

I  got this original forward in my email almost 12 years ago.  This is one of the funniest things I've read in my email.  I have no idea who wrote it.   If you know, feel free to let me know.  Hope you enjoy.
Selam

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Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off
because no one else  wanted to do it.  Also the original personal
called in sick at the last moment  and I happened to be standing
there at the judge's table asking directions  to the beer wagon
when the call came.  I was assured by the other two judges  that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I
could  have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as
being one of  those burdens you endure when you're an internet
writer and therefore known  and adored by all.  Here are the
scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1:  Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato.  Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO:. Nice, smooth tomato flavor  Very mild.
CAMERON:  Holy smokes, what is this stuff?  You could remove
dried  paint from your driveway with it.  Took me two beers to
put the flames out.  Hope that's the worst one.  These people are
crazy.

Chili # 2:  Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE:  Smoky (barbecue?)  with a hint of pork.  Slight Jalapeno
tang.
JUDGE TWO:  Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
CAMERON:  Keep this out of reach of children!  I'm not sure what
I am supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two
people who  wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  Shoved my
way to the front of the beer  line. The barmaid looks like a
professional wrestler after a bad night.  She  was so irritated
over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her  eye
started to twitch.  She has arms like Popeye and a face like
Winston  Churchill.  I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3:  Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE:  Excellent firehouse chili!  Great kick.  Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO:  A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON:  This has got to be a joke.  Call the EPA, I've located
a  uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano.
Everyone knows  the routine by now and got out of my way so I
could make it to the beer  wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back;
now my backbone is in the front part  of my chest.  She said her
friends call her "Sally."  Probably behind her  back they call
her "Forklift."

Chili # 4:  Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE:  Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO:  A hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON:  I felt something scraping across my tongue but was
unable to  taste it.  Sally was standing behind me with fresh
refills so I wouldn't  have to dash over to see her.  When she
winked at me her snake sort of coiled  and uncoiled-it's kinda
cute.

Chili # 5:  Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE:  Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground
adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO:  Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.  Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON:  My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics.  The
contestant  seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given
me brain damage.  Sally  saved my tongue by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher.  Sort of  irritates me that one of the
other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6:  Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE:  Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO:  The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.  Superb.
CAMERON:  My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous  flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally.   I asked if  she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7:  Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE:  A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO:  Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili
peppers at the last moment.  I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON:  You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the
pin  and I wouldn't feel it.  I've lost the sight in one eye and
the world sounds  like it is made of rushing water.  My clothes
are covered with chili which  slid unnoticed out of my mouth at
some point.  Good, at autopsy they'll  know what killed me.  Go
Sally, save yourself before it's too late.  Tell our children I'm
sorry I was not there to conceive them.  I've decided to  stop
breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway.  If  I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in
my stomach.  Call  the X-Files people and tell them I've found a
super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8:  Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE:  This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
fell
and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO:  A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
CAMERON:  Mommie ... ???






--
ሰላም ዮሃንስ

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